Postpartum Depression/Anxiety

Maybe talking about this more openly will help me feel better because so many other mom's I know have talked about it before and there's alway a lot of support and love for the mom's who are struggling..... but maybe it will make me feel really insecure and vulnerable. Probably that one, but we're going to dive in anyways!

So after I had Damon, I was so happy, but on the other hand my delivery was pretty traumatic for me, nursing was intense, and he was an awful sleeper. I totally had that "Oh crap what did I do?" moment probably about a month/ a month and a half after he was born. But once we got into a better routine, even though I was sleep deprived I was able to snap out of my little funk.

After Rafe was born, his jaundice was so bad that after we took him home from the hospital- he had to go back on the Billi blanket for a crazy amount of time! Like 16 days, which felt like eternity! Taking him in every day to get his heel pricked and take his billi levels was awful. Thankfully he was a VBAC and my recovery was so much easier than it was after Damon. But I felt like I couldn't just sit and snuggle my little baby. I always had to put him back in his little light suitcase. We started on the blanket then had to upgrade to a suitcase. He could not kick it and was so close to having to go back to the hospital. So it was hard to deal with- but I didn't feel super depressed. Sad at times, but still happy over all.

After Jag......it was a mix of both but I wasn't depressed to the point that I thought I needed meds. I would get really irritated and it took me a really long time to get used to having three kids. It was so crazy and just so stressful. I thought that it would be easier since the older boys were so independent.....but it was really hard. I would snap at my husband and just have crazy mood swings is the best way to describe it. But after probably 4 months it went away and I was feeling better.

After Raquel....honestly it's kind of a blur.....and it hasn't even been that long. Having cholestasis again made the end of my pregnancy stressful, but I knew exactly how the delivery was going to go and that was nice. But about a week or two before she was born I was so stressed out about having to have a c section again and the healing process and having 4 kids. I was just scared. Sitting in my hospital room getting prepped for my c section I was in tears because I was so nervous. And it made me mad. I couldn't just try to enjoy those last moments of being pregnant. It was never going to happen again. I just was so scared it trumped everything. After she was born I was happy and my mom was staying to help me through the recovery and my husband is amazing so I was good for about 2 months. But once my mom left and I was on my own during the day, it started to creep in.....

I say creep in because I honestly just thought I was emotional. I was crying multiple times a day. I had zero confidence in myself as a mom and just as a person in general. I didn't want to really go anywhere or do anything and I wouldn't leave my house for days at a time. Which isn't super crazy but when you're depressed it's probably good to get out of your house every once and a while. My mom would call and check up on me and so would my friends from Boise....but I just feel like I don't really have anyone in Idaho who actually cares about me. That sounds so dramatic and it is- but I just don't have anyone over here that I feel comfortable calling up and saying, come over or lets go to lunch or anything like that. I just felt alone/still feel alone.

I went in for my 6 week check up and my dr talked to me about depression and he told me he wanted to put me on some medication for it. I was willing to try it because I could tell I wasn't my normal self. So he put me on zoloft......

I turned into a zombie. I felt like my depression was just getting worse. I could hardly get off the couch and do anything. Everything seemed so daunting. Just normal every day things just overwhelmed me. It was just getting worse and worse so I upped my meds. And then upped them again.

Being on such a big dose of zoloft made me feel more self conscience that I was before.  This was my fourth baby. Why was it happening now? Why did I have to feel this way and feel so horrible about myself? I googled what I could do to help it and a lot of women said that just doing one thing a day for themselves helped. So I tried to get out of the house more. I would go shopping after the kids went to bed. I'd paint my toe nails or take a bath or something like that to help. But honestly, none of it helped. Momentarily yes. But here we are- 7 months later. And I feel it just as bad as I did before. I don't know why. I do know that I've gotten better about not thinking about it and hiding it because I find that when I would think about it or look at myself as depressed- that it would make me more depressed.

So stupid

I talked to my dr. and I switched medicines because being a zombie wasn't helping anything! I felt like it was probably making me feel worse than just not taking anything at all. At least I could function and get things done- which does make me feel good. So i switched to wellbutrin which has been great! It gives me energy but helps curb the anxiety side of things. Anxiety runs pretty deep in my family but I never thought I really struggled with it until now. I scaled back the zoloft which has been nice but it still makes me so tired-but it's great for helping my mood.

I don't know when I'll be able to get of medication- I'm hoping it's soon. But i'm honestly scared to get off of it because I'm a little scared to see what I'm like without something helping me.

Feeling inadequate, feeling lonely, feeling overwhelmed, and becoming a little bit of a hermit have been my main struggles. I love my kids and I don't have thought of hurting myself or them. I just feel like I'm not good enough to be their mom.

Ugh this is seriously hard to type out.

Like getting it all out and seeing it layed out before me is ugly.

I've really only talked to a handful of people about this. And not even in this depth. I don't like admitting that I'm having a hard time or struggling. I hated telling Dan how hard it was for me to get through every day. I know he wasn't judging me and he has been nothing but sweet through all of this. But it's just hard to admit- and admit to your husband who goes to a stressful job and deals with all sorts of shit every day. I never wanted him to feel like I didn't want this life or that I wasn't grateful for all that we have built. But I was just struggling and it's hard to put into words and it's even harder because I don't know what to do to feel better or fix it or what has caused it to get like this.

There are days when I feel good and feel like I'm getting a handle on things. But then there are days where I just want to scream if I have to change one more freakin diaper or hear "mom mom mom" one more time.

I'm excited for the day when I can look back on this time in my life and see the lessons I've learned through this struggle. I'm hoping I'm learning something anyways- cuz it's hell. And there's got to be a silver lining somewhere.

For now I'm just trying to soak up the stages that my kids are in and enjoy the little victories through the day. Like today- I put on makeup even though I wasn't going anywhere. Total win in my book.

Rocky Girl

Ok- I get that some people hate the nickname rocky for raquel......but I don't really care. She's the sweetest thing ever and I could call her anything and it would still be cute.

She's getting so big so fast and I can't even believe it's been 7 months.  I seriously am loving that she's more of a little baby and less of a potato. But I am soaking up every moment with her. All the milestones she's hitting are so bitter sweet. I'm loving her gummy smiles but i'm excited for her to have some teeth so that she can eat more snacks and stuff. She's got the cheesiest smile and I just melt every time I see it.

She probably gets kissed about 500 times a day. No joke. He cheeks are seriously amazing and I just can't even help it. Jag loves to give her kisses too. He's been so sweet with her. I'm so glad he's been so great because he can kind of be a bully.

Yesterday I put up an instagram post about all her favorite things and how sweet she is and what a good sleeper she is. Andddddddd wouldn't you know, she slept like absolute crap last night. Why does that happen? As soon as you acknowledge it, it goes away.

I wish there was like reverse psychology where your like, "Man my baby spits up so much...." then they just stopped. Instead it's always the good things! Jokes on you mom!

Anyways, having a girl is seriously so much fun. I love putting bows on her, dressing her up, painting her nails, and I just think- I have waited forever to do this kind of stuff! If she would have been a boy my nieces would have had to put up with me ;) But I really love it. And when I think of all the stuff I can't wait to do with her, I get so excited. Buying her first princess outfit, her first barbie, teaching her how to do her hair and makeup!

I hope we are always close and that she will confide in me when she's going through hard things. I hope we will be best friends and that she'll come to me with advice.

Having all boys for a while I would see articles about how when your boys grow up and get married you lose them, but if you have a daughter she'll stay close. How freakin sad is that! Like that is a horrible way to think. All my kids better stay close or I'm kidnapping them.

But I do think there's a different relationship between mothers and daughters. My mom experienced a lot of the same things I went through with boys and relationships and friendships so she could always give me advice. I hope raquel and I have a relationship like my mom and I have.

Anyways! Speaking of the sweet little baby- she just woke up from her nap so I probably need to go squish her;)

I just need to rant!

Ok let me start off by saying I LOVE my kids, my husband, my life! Like seriously I am so blessed and I know its days/weeks like this that I need to remind myself how lucky I am.
But there's the other side of me that just needs to vent! Like seriously just let it all out.
I am so tired.
I finally have a free moment to myself today and I literally don't even know what to do with myself. Do I shower?
Do I catch up on This is Us?
Do I get something to eat? My dinner consisted of Jag's leftovers.....
Do I go to sleep?
Or do I just enjoy the silence and no one touching or needing anything from me?

Being a mom is so tough. I love it. But there are days I just want to cuss it out and punch it in the face and call it a day.

Now, this might be some of my PPD coming out, (which why is that even a thing? I was just pregnant for 9 months and delivered a baby.....why do I have to feel like this and literally have no control over it?) but there are days I just want to go back to bed and try again tomorrow.

Today Rafe asked me why I'm in my pajamas all day...... well Rafe, Mom hasn't had 5 minutes to myself without a crying baby attached to her hip to be able to change into something different. Forget brushing my teeth or putting on any makeup or doing something with the hideous bun that's been on my head for the last 3 days! What I really told him is that sometimes, when your a mom, you get to wear stretchy pants. It is for fun. It's fantastic! I love it!

Being on the clock all day is hard. Waking up at 6:30 and having a non stop day, going to bed at midnight, plus waking up during the night for the baby gets soooooo tiring. She's normally a great sleeper, but she's teething and just got her 6 months shots and has been miserable for 3 days now. She's had a high fever and won't take a nap or let me put her down. So I'm just extra moody this week because of that.

I love my life I love my life I love my life.

I'm going to bed now to try and sleep off this negativity!

annnnddddd I just remembered I have laundry in the washing machine....sshhhheeeeiiiiittttt.
I'm going to sleep.

p.s. Shout out to all you mommas who feel me on this! It's ok to have a bad day/week and totally be mad at life for a minute, right?!